penzilla

In my email today:

Dear Jessica,

It’s time for baby’s first check-up — and the recording of his weight, length, and head circumference. You will be asked to fill out forms and give a history of your pregnancy and delivery, including any problems. Write down your questions as you think of them so you can ask the doctor about any concerns.

Okay American Baby. You win. I give up. Please stop emailing me and sending me formula, diapers, and parenting videos. Yes, I got the 2 -hour DVD that you sent me on my new baby’s health and parenting tips. But please, you don’t know who you’re dealing with. I have a extremely overactive imagination. And when I returned home to find the DVD and the email that said, “Your Baby is 1 Week Old!”– I really started to think–Do I have a baby? My GOD do I have a baby somewhere out there with a little rolled-sleeve oxford and mismatched hipster tie?

So please, American Baby, I fold. You win. Really. Enough now.